I wrote these 7 tools as a way to advise a friend. These came from the struggle and learning I had over the months.
These tools are arranged in order or 3-3-1.
- The first three would help you calm down and understand what to do.
- The next three would help you think long-term.
- The last one is a human mistake we all make.
Even Thomas Shelby has his moments
Set 1: To help you calm down and to understand what to do
Tool 1: Process your feelings
No one understands you as well as you understand yourself. It’s no one else’s responsibility to process your emotions.
Suppose you expect someone else to solve emotional problems for you. It’s too much for them.
Ever had someone cry in front of you? Because of you?? How did you react? We all have different levels of emotional capabilities. And it’s not always right or fair to put something that we understand and we can deal with on someone else.
We can take guidance from others. But we shouldn’t give up our own sense of rationality to others.
All of our major problems in life are emotional problems. We solve logical problems super quickly but have a hard time solving emotional problems.
The way to solve emotional problems is to learn to sit. Sit down for a long period and ask yourself questions when emotions pop up.
Don’t dwell on the emotions. Just try to logically break them down.
If you are facing something bad, remember it’ll be better in a few days and better in a few months. Give yourself space.
Tool 2: Know what you want
We often don’t know what we want. We have a vague sense of it. But we don’t really know.
When we don’t know what they want clearly, we have a hard time having conversations or negotiating with others.
What do you want? Why do you want them? Articulate it fully for yourself and then to others.
Tool 3: Have clear communication
You can’t have what you want if you can’t communicate properly. Remember, displaying anger and annoyance won’t help you persuade. The way to persuade is to be assertive and yet be kind. To know what their problem is and to know yours. And to balance out both your interests and theirs.
Set 2: To help you think long term
Tools 4: Needs over Wants
What we want is not always good for us. We may want to do drugs, but that doesn’t mean it is good for us.
We should do what we “need”. With this, we can ask “Do I really need drugs?“. Obviously “No“. We don’t need it.
Needs are always good for us. So, focus on needs over wants.
At the same time, we cannot sustain without “needs“. Therefore needs are non-negotiable.
Tool 5: Things “needed“ for a healthy relationship are non-negotiable
Like the previous tool. Some things are “needed“ and without those needs, we won’t have a base.
Similarly, some things that are “needed“ for a good relationship.
- Mutual Respect
- Good Communication
- Willingness to solve problems
Without these “needs” how can’t we even have a good relationship. Therefore, things “needed” to make a relationship work are also non-negotiable.
While expressing yourself, and while deciding what you want, make sure to focus highly on things “needed“ for a good relationship.
We all should hope to not get what we want but to get what we need.
Tool 6: Know your core values. And never compromise. Try to make decisions using them.
When in doubt consult your core values. Your core values are who you are.
For example, my ideal core values are:
- Team Work
If I have a problem, which is an emotional problem, I’ll rely on these core values to solve them.
Set 3: A mistake we all make
Tool 7: Never try to manipulate
We try to manipulate the person or the situation to get what we want.
We try to think in terms of if I do X, they’ll think Y. “Mai aasa karungi to vo aasa soch lenge“. This all is manipulation.
Remember, having a partner or even marriage is just one stage of a relationship, there are stages after it too.
Some things are outside our control, and it’s best if they are outside our control. They are not meant to be in our control. Nature is efficient. And by trying to control it, we make things worse.
So let certain things be and never try to manipulate.
Do good and let go of the outcome.
कर्म करो और फल की चिंता मत करो
From the original conversation
Feb 2nd, 2023